didn't attend sch today.
and i have my reasons for not attending.
i was quiet the whole day.
hardly i talk to anyone.
tears are always at the edge of my eyes.
woke up,ate few breads and off resting.
and at 1+ after zuhur,i gt myself changed,and went out.didn't tell anyone even mama where i'm going.
and really,that was the 1st time for not telling anyone where i'm going.
salam nenek and mama,and off i went out.
i know i have to be out from the house for that moment.
and that i went to the library.
felt so peace to be in the library.
i tried not to think about anything at that time.
took a book,find a spot and started reading.
and while i was concentrating,i received a call from home.
i know,if it was'nt mama,then it should be any of my siblings;
wanting to know where i am.
but,i didn't pick up the call.even after twice.
i ignored.
i don't know what i am up to at that time.
i know,i am super sorry to whoever is affected,esp my family.
for not informing where i go.
seriously,i was just so ahhhh! frustrated,disappointed,hurt,angry and easily said.i was super pesimistic.
i know i should'nt have done so.
i know i should'nt have been too pesimistic.
i know i should'nt have easily follow my feelings.
i know i should have atleast called bapak and told him where i'm going.when usually i did before i left.
i know i have disappoint my parents and family for not informing.
i know i'm not positive just now.
i know i'm not me just now.
i know i'm bad just now.
but i just could'nt take it anymore.
now,the tears fell again.
and bapak could still add on to my frustrations.
i know i have done wrong just now.
but please,can't you like ask and talk to me nicely,if not for once?
...
i just hope that this will be the 1st and the last time,for me being this way.
i'm sorry for what i've done.
and again.
much and thousands of apologies to my parents and family,
sincerely,
i am very sorry.
only Allah who knows how i feel.
only Allah who knows what my heart says.
only Allah who gives the answers to my questions.
only Allah who knows everything.
ibarat buih ditengah lautan yang luas dan ganas.
terhempas dalam ketiadaan makna
apalagi punya erti untuk semua.
tiada yang peduli dengan langkah-langkah hidupku
apalagi sedih dengan ketiadaanku
tapiku tahu
ku punya harapan dan pegangan
setidak-tidaknya, selalu meningat pesan.
dari satu-satunya,
dia adalah junjunganku,
dia adalah pemimpinku.
Maha suci Engkau Ya Allah,
tidak ada yang kami ketahui selain daripada apa yang telah Engkau ajarkan.
sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang maha mengetahui
lagi maha bijaksana...
*manusia hanya mampu menjalani suratan takdir-Nya